Killing Kate
Did I tell you about the time I nearly killed my roommate? No? I can't believe I haven't; it was awful. Mind you, it would have served her right if I had, because she was such a dreadful woman.
It was the time I'd gone on that walking holiday in Hungary. I'd been so looking forward to it, because you know, what with Denis walking out, and Jen leaving school all of a sudden like that, I was desperate to get away. Mr Peterson had been very understanding about it all, and let me have the full two weeks off work, even though I'd already had my full four weeks holiday because of having to get the house put together again after that time the oven blew up. Yes, I know it was ghastly. I really needed that holiday.
When I got to Budapest, I met up with the rest of the people in the group. I was put with this woman called Kate, from Wales. She was some sort of secretary she said, but I didn't really listen, after all, who wants to hear all those personal details about someone you're never going to see again? Of course, I told her all about Mr Peterson and the office, and Denis leaving and things, just in case she wondered why I was so quiet. It's important people know where you're coming from, don't you think?
But she was really strange; gave herself airs, although she was really just a typist like me. I'm not saying she was rude or anything, she was perfectly polite. She was very quiet and read foreign books all the time. I like a good magazine, but I know what my mother used to tell me about French novels! Well, you know, they're sort of… advanced. Come to think of it, they might have been Hungarian. I tried to find out the kind of things she was interested in, so we could have a chat, but I couldn't believe it when she said she didn't even have a telly. Can you imagine! She's never seen Eastenders or Corrie once! At least the other people in the group were a bit more normal.
It was nice once we left Budapest. We travelled by train to this little resort in the mountains, which was near where my friend Julie got married. The train was swarming with gypsy children selling roses. I'm quite sure they didn't have tickets. What their parents thought they were up to I don't know. Kate said they were all pickpockets, and that the guidebook warned you about them. I told her not to be silly; I had just accidentally dropped my purse and lost it. It wasn't that nice boy's fault at all; he helped me look for it and everything. Isn't it awful when people are so suspicious? I told her as much, but she didn't look very pleased.
She was getting very bad tempered that day. I saw her arguing with Steve the tour leader later. She even burst into tears. Or perhaps she was just menopausal. She looked about that age. She had calmed down by dinner, didn't say anything in fact. I was telling Susan and Mike, a couple from Manchester, all about Denis, but I thought I'd better make an effort to talk to her so she didn't feel left out, but do you know, she just got up and walked away, right in the middle of dinner. She didn't even apologise for it later, which I thought was very rude.
The next day we visited a monastery. Steve took me to one side, and said it was very important that when we were inside the building that we didn't talk at all, something to do with the monks' vows I think. I told him he needn't worry, I was always quiet, and given the things that had been happening to me lately, it wasn't surprising that I barely said a word. He looked a bit astonished at that, so I told him all about Denis and Jen, and that awful work the gas man did on the oven that made it blow up. He had a coughing fit in the middle of my story so I didn't finish it. But I think people need to know these things, don't you?
The monastery was very nice, if you like that sort of thing. It had some paintings on the walls, but they looked as if they'd been done by children, to be honest. I said as much to Kate, who I was keeping an eye on - she'd looked quite pale that morning, I thought. And do you know what? They threw me out! I couldn't believe it. I told them I was English, and how dare they lay their hands on me, but they didn't listen. Actually, they might not have spoken any English come to think of it, but really. It wasn't as if I'd been doing anything wrong. What's the world coming to if a person can't make an idle remark?
Steve had gone very red; I thought he must be ill or something. I think the abbot had been shouting at him. Then we couldn't find Kate. Susan eventually found her back in the church. She didn't know what to do because Kate wouldn't come out. Something about witches, I think. Steve had to go in and get her. She was crying again when she eventually came out. I'm sure she'd have felt better if she went on HRT, like Mrs Appleby from Warrington Crescent. It makes the world of difference. I tried to suggest it to Kate, but she just put her hands over her ears and ran away. I was very concerned, but perhaps she wasn't menopausal at all, perhaps she was just unstable. Clever people often are, don't you think?
When we got back to the hotel, Steve said he wanted to talk to me again. He told me it was very important that I did what he told me. Apparently, there really was something up with Kate. He said it was essential that she have peace and quiet. I told him it was lovely and quiet in the mountains, so she was in just the right place. I don't think that was quite what he meant though, because he then said would I mind trying to keep quiet and not talk to Kate when we were in the room together.
I was really surprised at this, because I knew we didn't have anything in common, but I had been trying hard to be nice, and you know, make conversation to put her at her ease. Steve said he appreciated what I had been trying to do, but it wasn't necessary.
Well, it's not how I was brought up - I mean, ignoring people. Still, he was very young, and probably didn't realise about being polite.
We travelled by bus that day up to the village Julie got married in. I was pretty disappointed when we arrived; she had always gone on about what a romantic little place it was, but when we got there it was unbelievable. The streets were filthy, they still had horses and carts, and the church was so pokey and dirty the entire group could hardly fit in. And please don't ask me about the toilets in the hotel we had lunch in. No, really, you don't want to know… well, let's just say, I saw bugs. I couldn't believe Kate; she was admiring the architecture. I suppose it takes all sorts.
Fortunately we weren't staying there. The tour company had said there wasn't anywhere suitable, and for once they were right. I'm so glad I didn't insist. I really think Julie must have been wearing rose tinted glasses when she married Roger there. In fact when I remember what he looked like, I'm sure of it.
We ended up staying in a nice tourist hotel about ten miles up the valley. It was quite modern, with proper toilets. Kate of course, complained that it was concrete and soulless, whatever that means. Honestly, that woman was never happy about anything. Anyway, I was trying to find out what was the matter with her in my usual tactful way - it's not very nice having to share a room with a wet blanket after all. Do you know, she told me to shut up! I was amazed; I hardly ever say anything.
She started ranting at me, waving her arms about, looking quite insane, so I went out onto the balcony for some peace and quiet. But she followed me, and I swear, I was only trying to calm her down, whatever she says, but she fell! Onto the roof of a bus parked underneath. She lay there, spread-eagled on her back. I just about had a heart attack from the shock of it.
But I quickly realised she was all right, because she carried on screaming at me to shut up, hardly missed a breath, and then accused me of trying to kill her - still lying there flat on her back. It was very bad of me, but I started laughing, because it was rather funny. The very idea of it was insane - as if I'd ever try and kill anybody.
You know me; I'm just a mouse.